Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
