So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
