yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
