At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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