I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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