just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
