Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
