I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
