wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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