I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
