He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
