I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
