I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
