if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
