You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's rum buckets o'clock
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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