Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Two words: blizzard sex
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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