I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
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