I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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