I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize