margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
