Where is the hickey?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
