Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
