Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
soo... how was my night?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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