I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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