He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You're like the curious george of whores
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
