Is it because I queefed?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
