I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I want a musical about memes.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
