I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
