I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
