my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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