He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize