Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
and you fell through a lawn chair
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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