You just made me feel so damn special
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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