My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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