Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
