I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
