it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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