My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
