I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
is wine microwaveable?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
