she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
