I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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