She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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