I faked an abortion last night.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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