I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
