y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
