I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
