we're chasing vodka with high fives
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
