I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
