no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
