Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
they need to just BURY HIM!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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