So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
There r osticjed everywhere
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
