she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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