Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
