I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you inspire me to be a worse person
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
