I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
