I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
